"I can't believe I did it again. The last time was supposed to be the 'last time.' Why do I even try? It feels like I’ll never be free from this addiction. I feel so stupid. I can’t believe I messed up again. I had everything in place. I was doing everything right."
These thoughts were followed by something that completely turned everything upside down.
"What if you could be grateful for your relapse instead of just beating yourself up about it?"
"Wait, what? How could I possibly be grateful for something that's ruining my life? You really want me to be thankful for looking at pornography?"
"No, not grateful for the pornography itself. Be grateful for the message the relapse brings."
"You’ve completely lost me. This doesn’t make any sense." (By now, the shame felt almost unbearable.)
"Yes, pornography is damaging. It messes with our brain, our relationships, and steals our peace. But that’s not the point. What I’m talking about is being grateful for the relapse—not the act, but the insight that comes with it."
"This relapse is destroying me. Why would I ever be grateful for it?"
"Because you’ve just been given one of the greatest gifts you could ask for. You’ve just pinpointed the exact spot where you need to begin your healing journey. It’s like getting a map with a red dot telling you exactly where to dig. That’s where the work begins. And for that, you can be thankful. You now know where to focus and start healing."
And in that moment, everything changed.
The relapse shifted from being something that spirals into shame and self-loathing to an opportunity for healing. I didn’t have to buy into the lie that my worth is reset every time I slip up. The idea that if I relapse, I start from zero, is a lie. Sobriety alone isn’t the goal—it’s only a part of the healing journey.
This is a crucial distinction between sobriety and recovery.
What’s the Difference Between Sobriety and Recovery?
Sobriety is about the time spent not engaging in the addictive behavior. It’s often defined by how long you can stay "clean," until you slip up again. It’s like a countdown clock where every relapse sets the timer back to zero. In the sobriety mindset, your worth is tied to how long you can go without relapsing.
Every time you slip, you start over, and the shame piles on.
Now, don’t get me wrong: staying sober is incredibly difficult, and I admire anyone who is working hard to maintain sobriety. If that’s you, keep going! Your strength is inspiring. But here’s the thing: there’s a better way—a way that doesn’t require constant, exhausting battles.
Sobriety Feels Like a Battle, Recovery Feels Like Peace
For those trying to stay sober, it can feel like a never-ending war. The longer you’ve been sober, the more you might feel the constant pressure to maintain that streak. Some people, even after years of sobriety, still feel the urge every single day. It can seem like they’re sentenced to a lifetime of battling addiction, with every temptation a looming threat.
But that’s not the full picture. Here’s the truth: When the need for the behavior disappears, the behavior fades too.
Sobriety focuses on avoiding the addiction. Recovery, however, is about healing the underlying causes that drive the need for that behavior in the first place.
Relapse: A Lesson in Disguise
In a sobriety mindset, relapse is a failure. It’s something that causes shame and resets your progress. But in recovery, relapse is seen as an opportunity for growth. It’s not about shame; it’s about using that moment as a stepping stone on the path to healing.
When you relapse, you don’t have to spiral. Instead, see it as a clue—your body’s way of telling you where you need to dig deeper. Think of relapse as a pin on a map, pointing to the spot where you need to do the most work. It’s not the relapse itself that matters, but the message that comes with it.
The Key to Recovery: Healing the Pain
The real work in recovery is addressing the emotions and pain behind the addiction. Why do you feel the need to numb yourself? What is the deep-rooted belief or experience that makes this behavior feel so necessary? Sobriety only suppresses these issues—it doesn’t heal them. The issue isn’t the addiction itself; it’s the emotional pain that fuels it.
Addiction thrives on avoiding painful emotions—especially shame. So when we focus on just staying sober, we’re not addressing the deeper pain. That’s why sobriety can’t be the ultimate goal. Recovery requires us to face the pain, not avoid it.
Relapse: A Gift of Clarity
When you’re in recovery, a relapse doesn’t signal failure—it’s a message. It’s a chance to see exactly where you need to focus your energy. Those triggers that lead to relapse? They’re clues, pointing to the places where your demons are hiding. And the more you address those places, the more you heal.
During recovery, the focus shifts to addressing the root causes of the addiction. It’s about bringing those painful emotions into the light and making peace with them. You don’t have to beat yourself up or hide in shame. Instead, you can say, "I see you," and start healing from that place.
Inviting Your Demons to Tea
There’s a story from Buddha that perfectly illustrates this process. Buddha was on a journey toward enlightenment, but every time he neared his goal, the demon Mara would attack him, trying to stop his progress. Buddha’s assistant would cry out, preparing for battle. But one day, Buddha decided not to fight. Instead, he asked Mara to sit down for tea.
By inviting Mara in and accepting him, Buddha neutralized the threat. He didn’t fight the fear or the shame—he acknowledged it and allowed it to exist without letting it control him.
In the same way, we can treat our own shame and painful emotions. Instead of pushing them away, we can invite them in, understand them, and begin to heal. This is how we break free from the cycle of shame and relapse.
Using Relapse as a Tool for Healing
Relapses are not signs of failure; they are simply tools to help you understand where the real work lies. When you relapse, don’t see it as a setback. See it as a map that tells you where to focus your energy. Your worth doesn’t go back to zero after a relapse—it grows every time you choose recovery over shame.
So, the next time you face a relapse, take a moment. Pause. Invite the difficult feelings in, ask them what they have to teach you, and use that knowledge to guide you toward deeper healing.
Your journey is not about avoiding failure—it’s about learning from every step, every setback, and every moment of growth. And for that, you can be grateful.
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