Hey there, lovebirds!
Whether you’re still in the honeymoon phase or navigating the unglamorous world of shared grocery lists and laundry piles, marriage is a wild ride. But sometimes, that ride hits a few potholes—or maybe a full-on sinkhole. Let’s talk about four common communication habits that could signal it’s time to pump the brakes and work on your relationship.
They’re called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but don’t worry—we’re not talking about actual plagues here. Just some relationship patterns you’ll want to nip in the bud.
1. Criticism: From “Help Me Understand” to “You Never Do Anything Right”
Ever found yourself saying, “You’re always so selfish”? That’s criticism, and it’s different from a well-intentioned complaint. A complaint focuses on an action: “Hey, I was worried when you didn’t call to say you’d be late.” Criticism attacks character: “You’re so thoughtless. You never care about me!”
Real-Life Example:Imagine you’ve been waiting all evening for your spouse to come home. Instead of saying, “It scared me when I didn’t hear from you,” you unleash: “You’re so irresponsible. I bet you didn’t even think to call me because you were busy scrolling Instagram!” Oof. That one stings.
Criticism Example | Healthy Alternative |
"You never help around the house. You’re so lazy!" | "I felt overwhelmed with all the chores today. Could we talk about splitting things up a bit more evenly?" |
"You always forget to pick up the kids. Do you even care about our schedule?" | "I noticed the kids didn’t get picked up on time. Let’s figure out a way to improve our communication about their schedule." |
"You never listen to me. You’re always on your phone when I’m talking to you." | "I feel ignored when you’re on your phone while we’re talking. Can we set aside time to connect without distractions?" |
"You’re so irresponsible with money. How could you spend that much on something so dumb?" | "I’m feeling anxious about our budget after that purchase. Can we sit down and plan our spending together?" |
"You never remember our anniversary! Clearly, I’m not important to you." | "It hurt my feelings that our anniversary wasn’t acknowledged. Can we make a plan to celebrate it together next year?" |
Criticism can snowball, paving the way for even nastier communication habits. It makes your partner feel like they can’t do anything right, which leads us to...
2. Contempt: The Ultimate Relationship Killer
Contempt isn’t just eye-rolling or muttering under your breath—it’s the full-blown "I'm better than you" Olympics. Think sarcasm, mocking, or calling your partner names. And yes, research says contempt can even make you physically sick. So, if you’re feeling sniffly after telling your partner to “cry you a river,” it’s not just allergy season.
Real-Life Example:You’ve had a tough day with the kids, and your spouse plops on the couch playing video games. You say, “Wow, must be nice to live a stress-free life while I run this house solo. Do you need a trophy for laziest partner ever?” Mic drop, but not in a good way.
Why It Matters: Contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce. If you hear yourself saying things that drip with disdain, it’s time to change course—fast.
3. Defensiveness: When “It’s Not My Fault!” Becomes a Habit
Defensiveness is like trying to dodge a water balloon—it just makes things messier. Instead of owning up to a mistake, you deflect blame or play the victim.
Real-Life Example:Your spouse asks, “Did you call to cancel dinner plans like we discussed?” And you fire back, “I’ve been swamped all day. Why didn’t you just do it?” Boom! Now the blame’s on them, and you’re in a full-blown argument over a dinner reschedule.
Why It Matters: Defensiveness shuts down productive conversations. Instead of solving the issue, you’re just adding fuel to the fire.
Examples of defensiveness:
Shifting blame: "It’s not my fault! If you had reminded me, this wouldn’t have happened."
Playing the victim: "I guess I can’t do anything right in your eyes!"
Counterattacking: "Oh, so I forgot something? What about the time you completely messed up last week?"
Crossing arms and avoiding eye contact: A physical stance that signals resistance or refusal to engage.
Interrupting to justify actions: "Well, I only did that because you started it!"
Sarcasm or dismissiveness: "Sure, everything is always my fault. Thanks for letting me know."
Refusing accountability: "I didn’t do anything wrong. This is all on you!"
These behaviors often escalate conflicts and shut down productive communication, making it essential to recognize and replace them with accountability and openness.
4. Stonewalling: The Silent Treatment’s Cooler Cousin
Stonewalling happens when you’re so overwhelmed that you shut down emotionally. Instead of talking it out, you scroll on your phone, walk away, or zone out like you’re auditioning for a role as “Disengaged Spouse #1.”
Real-Life Example:You’re in the middle of a heated discussion, and your partner says, “We need to talk about this.” You sigh, fold your arms, and stare at the TV like you’re more invested in a random toothpaste ad than fixing your marriage.
Why It Matters: Stonewalling leaves issues unresolved and makes your partner feel invisible.
The Antidotes: How to Send the Horsemen Packing
Here’s the good news: every Horseman has an antidote.
For Criticism: Use “I” statements to express feelings. Instead of “You’re so selfish,” try, “I felt hurt when you didn’t call because I missed you.”
For Contempt: Practice appreciation and respect. Compliment your partner (yes, even when they’re annoying).
For Defensiveness: Take responsibility. A simple “You’re right, I dropped the ball” can work wonders.
For Stonewalling: Take a break. Calm down, and come back to the conversation ready to engage.
Time to Check In
If any of these patterns feel a little too familiar, don’t panic. Recognizing them is the first step toward a healthier relationship. Sometimes, it takes a little outside help to get things back on track—and that’s where we come in.
Our couples counselors are here to help you and your partner reconnect, communicate better, and rediscover the joy in your marriage. Schedule an appointment today to assess the health of your relationship. Because every love story deserves a happy ending (or at least a fighting chance).
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